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Wishing I Could Disappear


From the time that I was born,

The loss of my family I would mourn.

For right after the cord was cut,

The door to mother was quickly shut.

Unable to express that I would not comply,

All I could do was lay there and cry.

Crying for the mother who would never appear,

Wishing I could disappear.


While adopted parents try to make me their own,

There are some family that do not condone.

Pay closer attention to your bastard child,

Who with the neighbor kids is running wild.

Make sure she is quiet as a mouse,

While you are living in my house.

Family opinions that I over hear,

Wishing I could disappear.


Never fitting in at school,

Often met with ridicule.

Enduring bullies week after week,

Called names like retard and freak.

Daily recess is met with dread,

Playing dodge ball, they aim for my head.

While other children snicker and jeer,

Wishing I could disappear.


Coming home as a latch key kid,

For a few hours, I felt safely hid.

Making myself a little snack,

In the silence, I can sit safely back.

After a bit of TV time,

I prepare food for suppertime.

To the standard recipe I must adhere,

Wishing I could disappear.


But life is seldom great at home,

Amongst those whom I share no chromosome.

Reminded often I’m not much like them,

Differences they often verbally condemn.

If you ever bring our family shame,

I will send you back from whence you came.

To my own mother, I cannot endear,

Wishing I could disappear.


Coming late to the dating game,

My own shyness I overcame.

Finally, I had fallen in love,

With someone I set high above.

Family you thought knew you best,

Turn their backs in their protest.

Coming out to say I’m queer,

Wishing I could disappear.


Never let there be any doubt,

As soon as I could, I did move out.

What I learned, to my dismay,

Is I could never move far enough away.

Anything they needed to fix or install,

I was expected to be at their beckon call.

Over my life they still domineer,

Wishing I could disappear.


Trying to make a life on my own,

Keeping my nose to the grindstone.

Finding something I love to do,

Something I can grow into.

But often I am interrupted at work,

Often enough to start to irk.

They need more help, that is clear,

Wishing I could disappear.


As they continue into old age,

From the world, they disengage.

Alzheimer’s slowly destroys the mind,

Leaving a frail old body behind.

The other has a leaky heart,

Who refused to fix it from the start.

To take care of them I give up my career,

Wishing I could disappear.


Having done what I had to do,

I must now start my life anew.

But even though they did depart,

I have no idea where to start.

 I know my life must go on,

But what that means seems woebegone.

Wondering where I can go from here,

Wishing I could disappear.

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